Wine And Women
by turbomagnus
Summary: AU. In a world where Robert's Rebellion had a different outcome, the greatest threat to King's Landing comes from an alliance between Lannister and Martell... Definite comedy, borderline crackfic.


Summary: AU. In a world where Robert's Rebellion had a different outcome, the greatest threat to King's Landing comes from an alliance between Lannister and Martell... Definite comedy, borderline crackfic.

Author's Notes: AU; Rhaegar won at the Trident, Elia lives, Jaime becomes Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, Oberyn and Tyrion happen to visit their respective siblings in King's Landing at the same time. Westeros beware... Definite comedy, borderline crackfic.

Disclaimer: George R.R. Martin and HBO own "A Song of Ice and Fire"/"Game of Thrones" and all characters and situations originating therefrom are used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"Wine And Women"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0o-

"Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting and drinking!  
If you cheat, may you cheat death.  
If you steal, may you steal a woman's heart.  
If you fight, may you fight for a brother.  
If you drink, may you drink with me."  
\- anon.

-o0O0o-

Four figures had stood together in King's Landing, sharing greetings and warm fellowship between those that lived in King's Landing and those who had only just arrived. After the welcoming was finished, the two visitors excused themselves claiming an intention to see the sights - all four knowing exactly what 'sights' in the city they meant to see. As the two figures made their departure, the Queen of Westeros and the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard shared a look before they both shook their heads.

"I was afraid this day might come," Lord Commander Ser Jaime Lannister muttered, "I just wish it hadn't come so soon."

"Everywhere he goes," Queen Elia Martell-Targaryen sighed knowingly in agreement, "It's why I have so many nieces."

"Thank the Seven most of them take after their mothers."

Elia's eyebrow rose slightly, "I am unsure as to whether I should be insulted on Oberyn's behalf or not."

"May I suggest waiting until the City Guard informs us of the damages before making that decision?" Jaime asked with a sigh.

"What makes you think there will be a city left when they've finished this... competition?" Elia countered good-naturedly.

"If there's not, I suspect your Lord Husband will have me escort them both either to The Wall or to exile from Westeros."

"By the Seven, I hope he doesn't exile them," Elia said with mirth flashing in her eyes, "The rest of the world might see us setting them loose upon the lands of Pentos, Essos and the like to be an act of war."

Jaime groaned slightly as a troublesome thought occurred to him; "I just hope Tyrion remains somewhat more sober than he did last time he drank while I visited him."

"Oh?" The Kingsguard's blush told the Queen that there was an interesting story behind his words, "And why is that?"

The blush not leaving his face but rather growing stronger, Jaime attempted to avoid answering, "I'd prefer not to say, Your Majesty."

That only piqued Elia's curiousity further, "I'm afraid I must insist, Ser Jaime."

The Lord Commander mentally grimaced as the realization came that there would be no avoiding telling the Queen what it was which she wished to learn, and so he began to speak...

"The last time I visited the Westerlands, Tyrion insisted we drink to celebrate my visit and he ended up drunk to the point of declaring himself..." Jaime trailed off, looking away, "It's not appropriate for me to say."

"I've known my own brother all of our lives, Ser Jaime," Elia folded her arms across her chest, "I believe that I'm well-accustomed to dealing with matters not appropriate."

"If you are to insist..."

"I do insist," Elia gave a firm nod to emphasis her point.

Jaime closed his eyes, visibly wincing before he spoke, "He declared himself 'The God of Tits and Wine' and said that he would build a shrine to himself at the next brothel he visited."

Elia's hand shot to her mouth to stifle her mirth, "I see."

"Then you understand my reluctance to say such," Jaime raised his head and opened his eyes to look into Elia's own.

"To the contrary," Elia laughed faintly, "I truly hope he doesn't give Oberyn any ideas... It would be all the Seven Kingdoms need for them to start a 'holy war' over who is the true God of such things."

"'Holy war'?" Jaime repeated, "I'm more concerned by the thought that they might form an alliance..."

-o0o-

 _"I am the God of Tits and Wine," Tyrion announced drunkenly, later that day, rather on into the eveningtime, "Whosoever believeth in me, their cup overfloweth and their bed never be cold... Behold my Prophet in who I am well pleased!"_

 _"Hail to the God of Tits and Wine," Oberyn, who Tyrion had indicated as his 'Prophet', cheered, raising his glass in the air._

 _"Hail!" the half of the bar that was still sober enough to do so answered with their own glasses raised._

-o0o-

Earlier that day, still where they had watched Tyrion and Oberyn depart for the 'red light district', Jaime and Elia were still involved in their conversation as Elia nodded understanding of Jaime's point, if not necessarily acceptance of it.

"I'm not sure how I should feel about that considering how often I've said that Oberyn needs companions besides his bed-mates."

"With respect, My Queen, I'm going to assume that you meant companions who would curb his tendencies, not excerbate them."

"Most definitely. I tell you truly, Ser Jaime, I wonder sometimes how my nieces can not be embarrassed by his actions."

"I suppose they imagine ways in which they could kill him and never be discovered to have done so. The irony in that is in him having taught them many of those ways."

"Kinslaying is not well looked upon," Elia reminded him.

"It would only be looked upon in any form if it were discovered, My Queen," Jaime reminded her, "If not, then most would reach their own conclusions on the matter."

Elia thought for a moment before replying, "Indeed."

Jaime clenched fist and jaw, looking away to the ground, "I know our own Father and sister feel such about Tyrion that if they so believed... Forgive me, My Queen, it's not my place to burden you with my own troubles."

"We have shared too many troubles between us to cease now, Jaime," Elia reminded him softly, referring to what they had seen and experienced as Aerys' _de facto_ hostages during The War of The Cousins, as it had become known due to Rhaegar Targaryen and Robert Barathon's blood relation. It was often left out the third party involved in the conflict; most of Westeros seemed glad to forget the later years of King Aerys' reign that included the War and the now-Queen and Kingsguard were among that number. Sometimes, though, they had no choice but to remember, no matter how much they wished to forget. They had seen and heard too much that would forever be burned into their memories and it had formed a bond between them that was known to make some that knew of it uncomfortable.

"Even after these many years, my sister continues to blame our Mother's loss on Tyrion and my father..." Jaime shrugged. "Frequently I wonder if even he knows what he thinks."

"Because of your brother's..." Elia paused trying to think of a proper word to use.

"His deformities?" Jaime supplied for her.

"I sought another phrasing," Elia grimaced at the blunt term.

Jaime shook his head, "Changing the words would not change the truth behind them, My Queen. The truth is that I am the only one of his blood that sees Tyrion Lannister and not 'the dwarf' and I am the only one of his immediate family that would shed a tear if anything were to... happen to him..."

The Queen shook her head ever-so-slightly, "Your brother is most likely safer through his friendship with mine than he would be otherwise. Were anything to 'happen' to one he calls friend, Oberyn would be most displeased and many of the ones who would cause the happenings know this."

-o0o-

 _After hailing Tyrion as 'God of Tits and Wine', all those with their glasses raised downed the contents in unison, all but one._

 _"Hail to the barmaids and whores of Westeros and lands beyond," Oberyn, with his glass still raised, offered as a further toast._

 _"Hail!" the conscious and sober in the bar agreed, though their glasses were empty with nothing to drink for the toast._

 _With great ceremony, Oberyn drained his glass and sat it firmly down on the table before him. Taking a deep breath, the younger Prince of Dorne then promptly passed out face-first onto the table._

 _"Ah! He has become one with his inner self!" Tyrion announced cheerfully._

 _"He's passed out," one of the more sober patrons observed._

 _Tyrion shrugged, "That too."_

-o0o-

It was thinking of her brother and what he was not only capable of, but willing to do, that caused Elia's face to turn pale enough for the Kingsguard with her to become concerned. Realising from the look on his face that he feared for her health, Elia shook her head firmly.

"I am fine, Ser Jaime," Elia spoke, attempting to reassure him of her wellness. "I have merely had a... frightening realization..."

"My Queen?"

"Consider if the lowfolk of Westeros were to truly begin worshipping our brothers as the gods of... their vices," Elia elaborated.

Jaime stared into space for a moment before answering, "Frightening indeed, My Queen."

-o0O0o-

Author's Note: Apologies to JMS for borrowing one of my favorite lines of dialogue from 'Babylon 5'... On another note, I'd like to apologize to my regular readers who notice that this is posted late-Monday/early-Tuesday; real life interfered and led to my forgetting to post it on Sunday as per normal and I apologize for that.


End file.
